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Sunday, April 26, 2009

Biotta Digestive Drink

The Kibbitzer-in-Chief has taken it upon herself to bring some very interesting Weird Sodas in the last few days. I'm looking forward to sampling most of them.
This one, I'm not quite as sure about.
The K-i-C had told me about some of the oddities she encountered during a previous visit to Frazier Farms. Amongst these was some variety of sauerkraut-flvored beverage. I expressed astonishment at the concept, and admiration for the Weirdness it represented.
She seems to have taken that to mean that the idea of consuming a sauerkraut-flavored beverage is appealing to me.
I hate sauerkraut. I can't stand the stuff. I can eat a variety of odd foods, and my capacity to consume strange beverages I will happily place against that of most other mortals; I have not vomited in about twenty years. A sauerkraut-flavored drink, though...*shudder*...but no. And No! And NO! again. This is my mission, my raison d'etre, my sacred trust. It's not a soda; it's not carbonated. But it's Weird, and thus, as the Quaffmaster, it is my duty to quaff it. And so I shall!

It's called Biotta Digestive Drink. I remember a funky movie from the 80s called The Stuff, about a dairy dessert which was, in fact, alive, and controlled the minds of those who ate it. The tagline was something like "Are you eating it...or is it eating you?" Calling something a "Digestive Drink" is uncomfortably reminiscent of that ambiguity. Below the title is a picture of a cabbage, and the ill-omened words "Organic Sauerkraut Juice". A friendly label on the side reassures me that this drink is "Gut-Friendly". The ingredients list includes only sauerkraut juice and dairy-free lactic acid, so this ain't gonna be sweet.
It's made in Switzerland, apparently. This may test even the neutrality of the Swiss.

Where and when: purchased mid-April at Frazier Farms, Vista, CA
Color: slightly murky pale yellow-green. Euurgh.
Scent: Oh God. Foul, foul, foul. Acid and sour, heavy. Very strong smell, enough that when I opened the bottle, the smell rapidly permeated the room. Actually made me shudder with horror.
Taste: UUuuhhhhhh...ugh...oh lord. Intensely sour, the lactic acid overwhelming. Vinegar too, vegetable like canned green beans. I can only take this a sip at a time. Let me try it again.
Aaaagh. I can't quite control the revulsion; this is making me want to puke. This is not "Digestive Drink", it's "Digested Drink". It tastes rather a lot like heartburn. This is awful in a way I had not previously experienced awfulness. When people write "I threw up in my mouth a little" after seeing something nauseating, they don't know what they mean. I don't have to throw up in my mouth a little after drinking this, because it has happened already. The Biotta Digestive Drink is the all-in-one, it encapsulates both the stimulus and response of nausea.
Must...fulfill...mission! Must...take...another...sip!
AAAARGH! My stomach is cramping, trying to betray me. It's resenting this usurper of its role, insisting that if vomit is required, it can supply it. It wants to demonstrate its readiness. I must dominate my own viscera.

The lactic acid part isn't actually so bad. After a few sips, the aftertaste mostly comes from it, and so it's not totally unlike the aftertaste of cottage cheese. I like cheese. I do not like sauerkraut. And I don't like the Swiss anymore either. This is the beverage version of a war crime.

I must sip it again. Just once more, and I can rest. I will have consumed a glassful of this, the foulest thing I think I have ever quaffed. My duty will be fulfilled, and I can be free. Even though it mean my puking, I shall accomplish this task.
Here goes. I'm doing this over the sink, though.
O woe, O suffering, O Discordia!
The thunder-wracked skies send forth their flights of crows
The night-trembled wood of the forests gleams silver
The red throats of the crows fling forth their jagged cries
The wood, spongy, resounds to the clamor
The talons cling, grasping, tearing
The wood crumbles
O Discordia

I did it, and I didn't vomit. Actually, it was slightly easier. I think the sauerkraut is fading a bit.
Oops...spoke too soon. The burp brings it back. Eeesh. I may have to review something else tonight, lest I be haunted.
The only thing the K-i-C has to say: "It smelled like bedsores."

As to "Gut-Friendly"...No.

Quaff rating: 0.5. When the only redeeming quality of a Weird Beverage is that it tastes slightly like cottage cheese, "Quaff" does not really describe what one might do with it.
Cough rating: 4. I almost puked. The K-i-C, after smelling it, refused to taste it. And it made me write seventh-grade death poetry.


  1. its a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. or do they? :)

    anyways thanks for a little humor in my day :)

  2. This is still maybe my favorite blog post of all time.

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