We're peaceful people here at Weird Soda Review. We seek mutual tolerance and understanding between all people, respect and honor to all individuals of honesty and integrity, and nonviolent solutions to conflict. Preferably involving a cold, frosty glass of something nice, sweet, and bubbly. (I personally think that some Vernors might go a long way toward settling conflicts in the Middle East. "This land has been the homeland of my people since...since...hmmm...*quaff quaff quaff*...aw, what the heck, let's share it.")
But not tonight. Tonight, it's time for a head-to-head, no-holds-barred FACEOFF!
I once ran across a weird internet meme about some sort of long-standing conflict between Brown Monkey and Black Monkey. People took (apparently arbitrary) sides, insisting that Brown Monkey had a more sophisticated understanding of Schenkerian musical analysis than Black Monkey, or that Black Monkey had far more exquisite table manners than Brown Monkey.
Well, actually, it was more likely to involve who pwnz0red who (Black Monkey!!!!!oneone), or (even more likely) to descend into more zoologically accurate primate-like screeches of "BROWN MUNGKAY! BRRROOOWWWNNN MOOONNNNKKEEYYYY!"
In any case, I never quite understood it. However, understanding is not required. Tonight shall the eternal dominance of colored-apple soda be determined in a swig-for-swig contest. These two bottleweight titans will meet on the field of carbonated combat, until only one fizzes on. In the end, there can be only one.
Providing commentary for tonight's conflict will be myself and...er...me. The Kibbitzer-in-Chief is here too, maybe she'll kick in. In a spirit of mutual tolerance and respect, I'll provide backup for both sides as they vie for the title.
In this corner, we have Cool Mountain Green Apple. This one is bottled by the Real Soda Company. The label has a pretty mountain on it, and urges me to recycle the bottle.
Where and when: purchased 3/29/09 at BevMo, Oceanside, CA
Color: bright lime green. Vaguely disturbing.
And in this corner, Jones Soda Red Apple. I've had Jones more than once; they're famous for their accurate reproductions of Things Which Should Not Be Sodas. The label has a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge, and also urges me to recycle it. It also identifies itself as "Sooper Dooper Soda". One can only hope that's kind of like Super Grover.
Where and when: purchased 4/5/09 at Target, San Marcos, CA
Color: pale pink. The color of someone who is profoundly embarrassed by the fact that their pants have fallen down, revealing Aquaman Underoos.
Ladies and Gentlemen...let's get ready to RUMBLE!
Round One: Scent
Cool Mountain: a real bottle cap, not a twist-off. Unusual. Opened, a scent of green apple candy emerges, faint and tantalizing.
Er...I mean it OPENS UP STRONG, slamming a POWER PUNCH of green apple SMACKDOWN on the Jones! Oh! OOOOHHHH!
Jones: screw-top cap, unassuming, possessed of a certain humble populist sentiment. An interesting tart yet sweet apple scent is evident, suggestive of actual apples. BOO-YAH! The Jones comes back with a SPINNING KICK of SEMI-ACCURATE APPLE GOODNESS. Cool Mountain is back on the ropes, but not out of the fight.
Round One goes to Jones.
Round Two: Taste.
Quaffmaster:We get our first taste. OH, the Cool Mountain SURPRISES the Jones with UNEXPECTED SUBTLETY! There's very little initial taste, but in a moment it OPENS UP a CAN OF slightly tart appleish WHOOP-A** on the Jones. What do you think, Kibbitzer-In-Chief?
K-i-C: Oh, my, that was one heck of a flavor--much like a Johnny Apple Treat. I haven't seen taste so much like a Johnny Apple Treat in six years of commentary.
Quaffmaster: What the heck is a Johnny Apple Treat?
K-i-C: You wouldn't understand.
Quaffmaster: And POW! The Jones comes right back with an INTERESTING TAKE ON RED APPLE! It comes on stronger than the Cool Mountain, with more HARD-HITTING initial flavor, but then SEGUES! YES, it SEGUES back into a slightly cool apple with a hint of bitterness. You KNOW that's GOT to hurt. Kibbitzer?
K-i-C: Bleah. It tastes like fake watermelon candy.
Quaffmaster: OOOOOOOH! *eyes roll back in head*
Round Two: probably a draw.
Round Three: er...more taste?
Quaffmaster: That aftertaste...oh, you did NOT go there, Cool Mountain! YOU DID NOT! That distinct tartness is SO UNCALLED FOR! With a bit of subtle sweetness underneath it, even? But wait...wait...OOOOOHHH! OH, NO! Jones comes back with a sweet-bitter balance which just STOMPS the Cool Mountain. It's "SCHOOLED Mountain" now, huh? HUH?
K-i-C: Where is the ref?
Round 3: I give this one to Jones, but not by much.
And there we have it. In the end, Jones Red Apple comes out slightly ahead.
K-i-C: No it doesn't. The Cool Mountain wins. Mostly because I really like Johnny Apple Treats. They came in a little box, and rattled around, and didn't burn your mouth like Hot Tamales. I notice the soda didn't rattle, though.
Quaffmaster: What exactly is a Johnny Apple Treat?
K-i-C: A little hard round candy. They're about that same color.
Quaffmaster: But this is soda.
K-i-C: The Cool Mountain is better.
I guess it's a split decision, but the trophy will have to go to...Johnny Apple Treats!
Jones: Quaff rating: 3. I like this, although the odd flavor gets a bit overwhelming after a bit.
Cough rating: 1.
Cool Mountain: Quaff rating: 3. Better than I expected, especially in the long haul.
Cough rating: 0.5.
BONUS NOTE: Purely in the interest of research, I tried mixing the two. Unexpectedly, the mixture turned pale gold. And tastes better than either.
See? I told you that the answer, in the end, is peaceful coexistence!
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