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Saturday, April 25, 2009

Materva Yerba Mate

I've heard of yerba mate. Rumors whisper of a tea-like substance brewed in South America, which is supposed to infuse godlike powers into those consuming it. It has a fair amount of caffeine, as well as some of the same complex chemicals found in chocolate. It's made by steeping the leaves and twigs of a certain plant in hot water for a while, so it's kind of like tea.
It is said in the sacred texts that:

"...the strength of the one who consumes the yerba mate shall be twice that of an ordinary man, and his speed shall likewise be that of two men. Strength and speed, being two principal virtues of the warrior, lie as the two strong legs of a wall, forming a space between like that formed in a square. This is why the scholars call it a "right angle", for it is full of virtue. The warrior's virtue is like unto a line connecting the extent of his strength and speed. How, then, shall we measure this virtue?
The virtue of a warrior is like unto his strength multiplied again upon itself, plus his speed likewise multiplied, since they build upon themselves. However, the true warrior also possesses humility before the gods, and so must reduce himself according to his own measure. His virtue shall thus be measured as the square root of the sum of the squares of his strength and speed, and thus the holy yerba mate makes a warrior like unto a man with virtue twice his own, multiplied again by virtue equal to that of the square root of his doubled virtue."

--from the ancient Peruvian text "The Geometry of Bloodshed".

Imagine my excitement at finding a Weird Soda based on yerba mate! After quaffing it, I shall be like 2(root 2) Weird Soda Reviewers!

Where and when: purchased 4/11/09 at Galco's, Los Angeles.
Color: orangey-brown. Maybe slightly greenish at the edges.
Scent: sweet, with a bit on tang and tiny hint of bitter. Similar to the Guarana Antarcticá.
Taste: Interesting. Surprisingly clean, not as cloying as the scent made me suspect. Sweet, not all that strong, with the initial tart fading quickly to a sort of berryish taste. That fades quickly too. Pleasant. The aftertaste is faint, slightly tart, with only the barest hint of herbal or bitter. It's a little like the Sidral Mundet.
The Kibbitzer-in-Chief says it tastes like Red Zinger tea. I think it's a little less tart than that, but the undertones are very similar.
There's a very delayed aftertaste; the slight tart/herbal made a surprise encore around 3-4 minutes after my taste. I've never had such a delayed yet distinct aftertaste before.

I figured that after quaffing this, I should go out and demonstrate my 2(root 2)-times-normal strength and speed to the world.

I'm never trusting ancient Peruvian warrior mathematicians again.

Quaff rating:3.5 for the taste. -25 for the embarrassment caused by my naive trust of Peruvian warrior mathematicians.
Cough rating: 0.5. Maybe just for the slightly strong sweetness.


  1. Where did you find that text, the geometry of bloodshed, about the yerba, after reading this article ive scoured the internet for the source to no avail.

  2. I am a fairly old individual. In that tone I know by experience more than books can teach me. Never drink any kind of tea, much less mate. But when I was young the kids in the neighborhood drink Materva, not becaise the Peruvian maths ( or maybe because of that! ) the Materva bottle was as big as Royal Crown and the big Pepsi but costing one cent less. Enough for every kid love it. But it happens that in the 50s, (probably because of the insidous American propaganda in everything) a rumor was running thru the city that the Materva was producing impotence. That was the declining of the Materva in Cuba.

  3. Hi Nice share you info about yerba mate, it's amazing for me. I got some information it's good for me.

  4. Stop drinking pop and get some real yerba mate!

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  6. Yerba mate is a healthy tea. It has the same benefits as carmien tea.

  7. Yerba mate is very healthy herb. Read reviews of yerba mate.

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