Arvand Sparkling Yogurt Beverage (Two flavors: Mint and Tart)

When the Kibbitzer-In-Chief visited the local Persian market, she didn't feel that bringing back a single Weird Soda would be sufficient. In fact, she found three.
Unfortunately, they are all yogurt-based.
The first was Abali, reviewed previously. It was hideous; cheesy, with an overtone of spoiled milk. However, The K-i-C found two others at the same time. These other two are siblings, two flavors from the same brand. One might think that a flavored yogurt soda might be nice--after all, people eat frozen yogurt enthusiastically, right? And you can get any number of nice fruit yogurts in the grocery store. Maybe this will be like that--carbonated peach yogurt, or wild berry, or something like that. That might be OK.
I don't know if such things exist, but that's not what the K-i-C brought back to the Lab. Instead, she brought back two flavors of Arvand Sparkling Yogurt Beverage. The first flavor is "Mint". I don't recall ever seeing mint yogurt before. It's not a flavor I would normally think would go well with yogurt, although I suppose it might be interesting. The second flavor is simply called "Tart".
I can think of several interpretations for this. It could be "Tart" as in "raspberry tart, bought at some nice British market, a flavorful confection of pastry and fresh berries". That could be good.
I suppose it might even mean "Tart" as in "a person, usually female, characterized by a sarcastic attitude, and possibly of suspect moral character". I'm choosing not to speculate on how that might manifest as a soda flavor.
However, I'm guessing that it means "Tart" as in "tangy, sour, or astringent". Oh, goody.

Another interesting thing to note about these sodas: while they were bought in a Persian market, they were made in Canada. Specifically, Vancouver. This is the first trilingual soda label I've ever seen; the ingredients are listed in both English and French, and the main label is in English on one side and something which I presume to be Arabic (although I'm sure I wouldn't know the difference between that and Farsi, or maybe something else) on the other.

So here we have Arvand, a sparkling yogurt-based soda, made in Canada, marketed in California in a Persian market, being tasted in Mint and "Tart" flavor varieties. It's another good day at the Weird Soda Review Labs.

Where and when: purchased May 2009 at Persepolis Market, San Marcos, CA
Color: both are identical: milky white, separated (before shaking) into a vaguely translucent upper layer and an opaque lower layer. The lower layer turns out to be composed of yogurt solids, which is evident upon shaking; they separate into clumps and streamers distributed throughout the volume of the bottle. This does not fill me with transcendent joy.

Let's assess these separately.
MINT FLAVOR:
Scent:
Doesn't smell quite as bad as the Abali. Sour and minty.
K-i-C: "It smells like a tablet you're supposed to chew to cure indigestion."
Punctilius: "Smells chalky. Milk of magnesia."
Taste:
Punctilius: "I'd rather drink the cabbage."
Very tart. Not as much of the spoiled-milk taste as the Abali, and the mint is present, but it's overwhelmed by the yogurt. Salty and sour, with a touch of mint, overwhelmingly strong. This is not remotely refreshing. Leaves a chalky texture on your tongue.
K-i-C: (hands it back) "I can't even taste that. Sorry."
Punctilius: "Some things, you develop a taste for, like Scotch. It would be a long time before you developed a taste for this. It's making my stomach churn."
The aftertaste has a bit more of the mint and less of the yogurt; it's not as unpleasant. Not that it's good, mind you--just less revolting.
*tiny additional sip*
Interesting. There's an undertone which almost tastes like brown rice--kind of nutty (as in nut-like, not insane). I'm not sure what that's doing there. It's a measure of how unpleasant this is tht a hint of bran in the flavor is a welcome distraction from the rest of it. When the taste of rice in a soda is as much of a relief as the sight of water in a parched and barren wasteland, you know your soda is not just Weird, but Icky.

Given how extremely strong the salt/sour of the yogurt taste is in this, I am scared of the "Tart" flavor. But scared doesn't matter. I have NO FEAR!

TART FLAVOR:
Scent:
Oh my God. It's much like the Abali; spoiled, fermented milk.
Punctilius: "That smells like something left in the refrigerator about two weeks past date."
The K-i-C can't even speak; she just hands it back.
Taste: I hesitate, caught between dread and duty.
Aw, heck. Let's go with duty.
*swig*
Actually, it tastes better than it smells.
K-i-C: "You'll have to live alone with that knowledge."
It doesn't taste good, but it does taste rather a lot like cheddar cheese. Compared to the smell, that's actually almost good. I find myself able to sip it again. Let's try a bigger sip.
*swig*
Er. Okay, we won't try that again. But in small sips, it's drinkable. Not enjoyable, exactly, but drinkable. The aftertaste is less pleasant; I'm not sure what it is, vaguely gassy.
If I wanted a cheddar cheese soda, and could avoid smelling it, I'd go with this.

My duty--my calling--requires something of me which I don't want to do. To truly provide a reasonable comparison, I must re-sample the Abali. In my memory, it's worse than these--a worse smell than the Tart, and a worse taste than the Mint. But in the interests of science, and for the integrity of Weird Soda Review, I feel compelled to open a fresh Abali and sample it.
We who are about to quaff salute you.
*quaff*
Nyghughuglrugh...I was right. The Abali has a stronger smell and taste of fermentation, or bacterial waste. The foulness is stronger in the Abali than in either of the Arvands. Oh, this is awful.

MINT FLAVOR:
Quaff rating: 1. The mint could make this almost nice; the aftertaste proves it. But it's almost impossible to drink it.
Cough rating: 4. I was faced with a dilemma here: my rule is that a 5 will be given only to a soda which makes me throw up. This did not, but...let's say that if the same rule applied to the other end of the gastrointestinal tract, this would have gotten a 5.

TART FLAVOR:
Quaff rating: 1. The scent was awful, even though the taste was not quite as awful. Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to drink without smelling it, so it still gets a 1.
Cough rating: 3.5. Once it was in my mouth, it didn't actively make me want to throw up, and in small sips I could swallow it without wincing. But I'm a professional; I would not recommend this to anyone who wasn't specifically looking for a cheese soda.