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Monday, May 18, 2009

Filbert's Banana: Supplementary Review

The Mysterious Stranger strikes again!
As I walked by the mailroom at my place of business today, I caught that telltale gleam in my mailbox out of the corner of my eye. My heart swelled with joy. I moved into the mailroom--not prancing, mind you, but with a definite spring in my step--and found a bottle of joy in my box.
God bless you, Mysterious Stranger! You fill my heart with gladness and my box with Weirdness.

Today, the Stranger has left me a sample of Filbert's Banana. As it turns out, we have reviewed this particular weird soda on a previous occasion. However, it was one of the first Weird Sodas the Lab ever reviewed; it was prior to the use of highly standardized and scientific Quaff and Cough ratings. Thus, I am very pleased to be able to give Filbert's Old Time Quality Banana Soda the new, updated, modernized Weird Soda Review taste Test. Thank you, Mysterious Stranger!

Where and when: in my mailbox May 18, 2009
Color: Bright, bright yellow. The departmental assistant--a woman not easily fazed--said "I'm not going to tell you what that looks like." This isn't the creamy yellow of Post-It Notes, this is an ever-so-slightly greenish yellow. A yellow more like that found on warning stickers.
Scent: strong synthetic banana. I shall call it "Bananinator". It's not totally unlike the smell of banana bread--it's RIPE Bananinator.
Taste: The banana is definitely the dominant flavor, strong attack. As it fades, I'm surprised by the lack of tartness-0-there's just a hint of acid. Unusual in a soda to be so sweet without a tart aftertaste. Actually, there isn't much afetrtaste at all, just a moderately-fast-fading banana taste.

In my mind, the bright yellow Bananinators march in a line, but as they pass you see that their metallo-pulpy feet have left no imprint on the ground. They march on, leaving one unsure if their onslaught was simply a passing daydream, with its factual existence only hinted at by the faint, lingering fruitiness in your mind.

OK, that ended more strangely than I intended. More quaffing.

Hmm. There is a bit more tartness now, even in the initial taste. How odd. The banan is strong, but there's a rising note of sour/herbal. It's faint, still, but present. Perhaps it's a lasting aftertaste of the first quaffing--persisting just under my perceptual threshold, only to manifest as the next quaffing passes.

The ground trodden by the Bananinators seems to be unmarked, but as I walk it, there is the faintest feel of hardness in the ground--as if tiny filaments of metal and cellulose, deposited imperceptibly by the passing of the Bananinators, were weaving themselves into some sort of unholy Banandroid device, taking shape beneath the soil.


The herbal is fainter this time, and has a slightly more bitter taste. It's mostly sweet and banana-ey.

The secondary Banandroid's shape stops self-assembling. The time is not right; better to wait thus, half-formed, conserving its energy until a more optimal moment. And beneath the unmarked soil, the Banandroid half-slumbers. Dreaming, not dead, lying eternally until the stars are right. Only the faintest hint of banana-scented industrial solvents arise from the soil to betray its lurking menace.

*burp* Still banana-ey.

Quaff rating: 2.5. Overly sweet and fake-tasting, but as banana sodas go, pretty nice.
Cough rating: 1. Would be off-putting to those who fear bananas. And well they should...

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