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Monday, August 17, 2009

Naturally Noni 2x

We've encountered some pretty foul stuff in the Weird Soda quest. Notable on that list is Biotta Digestive Drink, a product of Switzerland which I described as the beverage equivalent of a war crime. However, shortly after we reviewed the Biotta, I had an opportunity to share some with occasional contributor Punctilius. Amazingly enough, she was able to stomach it--even, almost, to enjoy it.
The Lab staff has spent this weekend at Punctilius' home, and in conversation, it was revealed that she consumes a daily dose of something called "Noni berry juice". She described her consumption technique thusly:
1) Fill the appropriately sized glass with juice
2) Throw (literally) the juice at the back of your throat. If possible, make sure none lands on your tongue.
2a) DO NOT BREATHE during this process. Breathing somehow activates the juice, delivering unspeakable taste molecules to defenseless receptors
3) Swallow using the K'n-Yan technique, developed by the pharyngeal masters of ancient Mu, which enables the practitioner to clear not only the substance swallowed from the tongue completely, but also to remove the very memory of the substance consumed*.

Punctilius' admirably concise description of Noni: "It tastes like barf."

This is the curse of the Quaffmaster: when faced with something which makes the one who could quaff Biotta quail, I must quaff that something. I must.
The stuff comes in a plastic bottle shaped somewhat like a crematory urn. This particular one is called "Naturally Noni 2x". The 2x refers to the fact that it is apparently "double strength". Prominently featured is a painting of what I assume to be the Noni berry; the exterior of the fruit is green and covered with what look like octopus suction cups. The back of the bottle lits the suggested use as consumption of one fluid ounce daily.
This is a Weird drink with a dosage. It also suggests that you consult a doctor before drinking it if you are pregnant or taking medication. This is serious stuff.

Where and when:
Color: Brownish, semitranslucent, fairly thick.
Scent: Yech. Fermented, fungal. There's a kind of thick sweetness, but a strong bitterness over it. Cheesy, but not sharp.
Taste: Strongly cheesy, but more of a swiss or Limburger than cheddar. There's a berry-ish taste, similar to blackberry, but the cheese/fermentation overlay is overpowering. Not being a K'n-Yan initiate, I am getting the full force of the taste. It's not exactly barflike, but it's pretty nasty stuff.
The aftertaste is much like the aftertaste of a berry smoothie, if it were eaten with a Limburger bagel.
If you made a blackberry smoothie and added some fairly salty Swiss cheese, you'd get something like this.
On the other hand, it's not nearly as bad as the Biotta digestive drink. Punctilius says otherwise; she would rather have the Biotta. I have to disagree. I certainly wouldn't seek it out--it's quite unpleasant--but I've had no urge to upchuck.

Quaff rating: 1.5. The berry taste is OK, but not the cheese.
Cough rating: 3.0. Foul, but not unbearably so.

*Or words to that effect...


  1. After reading your review, I looked up "Noni" in Wikipedia and found:
    "The fruit is a multiple fruit that has a pungent odour when ripening, and is hence also known as cheese fruit or even vomit fruit."

    So it appears that both you and Punctilius were spot on. Well done. I'm sure you feel better now.

  2. Indeed we do. That does explain some of the experience.
    Thanks for the research!


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