We at the lab are not prudes. We're modern, scientifically-minded folks, capable of discussing most any matter like civilized adults (well, those of us who are adults, anyway). Even topics which might produce blushes in those who are more inhibited can be brought up in a dispassionate manner, and discussed without undue frivolity.
And so tonight, we'll be reviewing Neurogas...*giggle*...er...hee hee...
Er. I'll try again.
The other day, as I perused the aisles of Primo's Market on a barbecued-pork-rib-acquisition mission, I paused on the soda aisle to see if anything new was available. I was delighted to find one I hadn't seen before, called Neur...uh...heh heh...Neurogas...*giggle*...
Dammit. Is this the Weird Soda Review Lab, bastion of scientific quaffitude, or is this the Institute of Going A Bit Red in Helsinki?*
All right, here goes.
Neurogasm Neurogasm NEUROGASM NEUROGASM NEUROGASM!!!
Yes, tonight's Weird Soda is called "Neurogasm". It stood out a bit on the shelf at Primo's, and I certainly couldn't pass it up.
Firstly, it's called "Neurogasm". And the bottle has an unusual, streamlined shape.
Second, as it happens, I have a degree in neuroscience, and thus I had to investigate it as a part of both my professional lives (as a neuroscientist and as the Quaffmaster).
So, let's review the claims of Neurogasm. First, it displays a sagittal** view of the human head, with a superimposed waveform of some sort, probably meant to evoke the potential idea of EEG. Next to this is the slogan "GET SMART" (presumably not a TV show reference), and "play the healthy way". Below this is the further text "passion in every bottle.
Hmmm. The bottle is implying that the beverage within will make you more intelligent, more passionate, or both.
On the back, it says:
"Have fun...with modern science's greatest blend of natural passion enhancers," followed by a list of ingredients which (presumably) are supposed to have some sort of beneficial physiological effect.
At least it doesn't suggest that you "Feel the Fizz", as the Zuberfizz did. In context, that would be...well...*giggle*...
It seems that Neurogasm is supposed to make me more able to have some sort of passionate fun by filling me full of "science's greatest blend of passion enhancers". It is interesting to note that a substantial fraction of these enhancers are also found in other energy drinks, which make no claims regarding passion. Several of them are simply amino acids, the building blocks of proteins. And one is straight-out caffeine.
Hyperactive and passionate. A recipe for good lovin'? Well, let's find out.
Soberly, scientifically, and in a dignified and objective fashion, of course.
Where and when: purchased January 2010 at Primo's Market, Vista, CA
Color: reddish-purple, mostly opaque.
Scent: Tart, sweet, fruity. Fairly harsh.
Taste: Odd. The initial taste is fairly acidic, not all that sweet, with some citric tang. That stays more or less unchanged, but is joined by...nothing. It's a very odd thing. It's as if you added an equal portion of straight carbonated water, diluting the taste, but not until it's been in your mouth for a few seconds. I don't think I've ever tasted that before.
K-i-C: "Tastes like slimy Hawaiian punch."
Punctilius: "It's got more pineapple than Hawaiian Punch." *swigs, grimaces* "Not bad. Not good either. Not much of anything, actually, not remarkable. I certainly don't feel any sort of spasm. Or any gasm. Spasm-gasm."
That's a good description. It's not unlike Gatorade crossed with Hawaiian Punch and carbonated, except less distinctive. It's sort of aggressively blah. It leaps forward, grabs your lapels, forces you to look it in the eye, and then hums "Girl from Ipanema". This does not inspire me to passion, I fear. Beyond the name, this Weird Soda is approximately as sexy as Trident gum. And not the cinnamon flavor.
Quaff rating: 1.5. No real reason to drink it; the name is the most exciting part.
Cough rating: 0.5. Not particularly unpleasant.
* I was unable to walk past a Victoria's Secret store in the mall without blushing until I was almost 18.
** I have to use the word "sagittal" to establish neuroscience cred. It means side-view.
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