We at the lab are not prudes. We're modern, scientifically-minded folks, capable of discussing most any matter like civilized adults (well, those of us who are adults, anyway). Even topics which might produce blushes in those who are more inhibited can be brought up in a dispassionate manner, and discussed without undue frivolity.
And so tonight, we'll be reviewing Neurogas...*giggle*...er...hee hee...
Er. I'll try again.
The other day, as I perused the aisles of Primo's Market on a barbecued-pork-rib-acquisition mission, I paused on the soda aisle to see if anything new was available. I was delighted to find one I hadn't seen before, called Neur...uh...heh heh...Neurogas...*giggle*...
Dammit. Is this the Weird Soda Review Lab, bastion of scientific quaffitude, or is this the Institute of Going A Bit Red in Helsinki?*
All right, here goes.
Neurogasm Neurogasm NEUROGASM NEUROGASM NEUROGASM!!!
Er. Okay.
Yes, tonight's Weird Soda is called "Neurogasm". It stood out a bit on the shelf at Primo's, and I certainly couldn't pass it up.
Firstly, it's called "Neurogasm". And the bottle has an unusual, streamlined shape.
Second, as it happens, I have a degree in neuroscience, and thus I had to investigate it as a part of both my professional lives (as a neuroscientist and as the Quaffmaster).
So, let's review the claims of Neurogasm. First, it displays a sagittal** view of the human head, with a superimposed waveform of some sort, probably meant to evoke the potential idea of EEG. Next to this is the slogan "GET SMART" (presumably not a TV show reference), and "play the healthy way". Below this is the further text "passion in every bottle.
Hmmm. The bottle is implying that the beverage within will make you more intelligent, more passionate, or both.
On the back, it says:
"Have fun...with modern science's greatest blend of natural passion enhancers," followed by a list of ingredients which (presumably) are supposed to have some sort of beneficial physiological effect.
At least it doesn't suggest that you "Feel the Fizz", as the Zuberfizz did. In context, that would be...well...*giggle*...
It seems that Neurogasm is supposed to make me more able to have some sort of passionate fun by filling me full of "science's greatest blend of passion enhancers". It is interesting to note that a substantial fraction of these enhancers are also found in other energy drinks, which make no claims regarding passion. Several of them are simply amino acids, the building blocks of proteins. And one is straight-out caffeine.
Hyperactive and passionate. A recipe for good lovin'? Well, let's find out.
Soberly, scientifically, and in a dignified and objective fashion, of course.
Where and when: purchased January 2010 at Primo's Market, Vista, CA
Color: reddish-purple, mostly opaque.
Scent: Tart, sweet, fruity. Fairly harsh.
Taste: Odd. The initial taste is fairly acidic, not all that sweet, with some citric tang. That stays more or less unchanged, but is joined by...nothing. It's a very odd thing. It's as if you added an equal portion of straight carbonated water, diluting the taste, but not until it's been in your mouth for a few seconds. I don't think I've ever tasted that before.
K-i-C: "Tastes like slimy Hawaiian punch."
Punctilius: "It's got more pineapple than Hawaiian Punch." *swigs, grimaces* "Not bad. Not good either. Not much of anything, actually, not remarkable. I certainly don't feel any sort of spasm. Or any gasm. Spasm-gasm."
That's a good description. It's not unlike Gatorade crossed with Hawaiian Punch and carbonated, except less distinctive. It's sort of aggressively blah. It leaps forward, grabs your lapels, forces you to look it in the eye, and then hums "Girl from Ipanema". This does not inspire me to passion, I fear. Beyond the name, this Weird Soda is approximately as sexy as Trident gum. And not the cinnamon flavor.
Quaff rating: 1.5. No real reason to drink it; the name is the most exciting part.
Cough rating: 0.5. Not particularly unpleasant.
* I was unable to walk past a Victoria's Secret store in the mall without blushing until I was almost 18.
** I have to use the word "sagittal" to establish neuroscience cred. It means side-view.
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Okay. I'll admit that I was intrigued enough by the company name of Neurobrands to wonder what else they sold. Apparently they're only a soda company and not purveyors of neurological encyclopedias who decided to make a soda.
Anywho...as I was poking around their site, I was struck by their blurb about another flavor, NeuroAqua which states, "From the heavens to your body. Pure Adobe Spring water with the Earth's essential mineral, Magnesium. A perfect combination to revitalize."
Magnesium eh? That's a bit of an obscure choice to be singled out as the earth's essential mineral. And is the psudeo fact a that it is earth's essential mineral a compelling reason as to why I should wish to consume it via a soda?
I would say not. Magnesium is an important ion in physiology, and we do need a regular supply of it. Apparently, magnesium deficiency is not that uncommon. However--like with many nutrients--it is plentiful in vegetables.
I'm not aware of any short-term "revitalizing" effect of magnesium (although I remember seeing a poster about how administration of large amounts post-stroke might help protect brain function), so I don't see any reason why having it in a soda would be particularly splendid.
And yes...why it would be Earth's "essential mineral" is beyond me.
I wasn't passing judgment on the nutritional importance of magnesium but rather the odd logical correlation of it being an essential mineral of Earth as though that somehow makes it a good thing to put in a soda. I would have no quibble if they were promoting their soda as containing an essential substance for humans, but no, they're framing their blurb around it being important in the Earth.
Definitely agree. I think we should start referring to other common elements and compounds with grandiose titles.
"Silicon dioxide, the sine qua non of sand"
"Bismuth, prince of elements beginning with B"
"Sulfur, the element whose isotopes provide a frisson of excitement to the periodic table"
*grin*
I stumbled upon this soda at a local walgreens.. Of course, being a marketing major, the advertisments drew me in.. Neurogasm?! woohoo.. and I immediatly broke into a small daydream of wondering if it was possible for the brain to actually have a "gasm.." I like the warning on the back that states this is not for small children under 12 or for pregnant woman. Intresting.. The Neuro Trim was alright, nothing too fancy, I didnt really feel anything.
Today I have been sipping on the Neurogasm, and I must say, that I must be one of the many of the people with magnesium deficiency because I'm feeling this. Now, I am on sinus congestion medicine, so maybe there is a medicine interaction, but I must say my cheeks are warm and my head is feeling a little fuzzy.
So in conclusion, I must say that the extra Arginine and maybe the boost of Inositiol has stirred up some pleasant mood boosting feelings.. I will mostly likely return to buy a few more when i'm not on cold medicine and see if I get the same results.. :)
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